A. T. & T.: America's Evil Empire

Dear Miss Chatty:

I recently had some problems with my telephone and internet connection. I use, can I say it, A. T. & T. They made an appointment to check my line and said that the problem was inside my apartment. They made another appointment for an "inside" technician to come in and check the wires. He said, the problem wires belonged to the apaartment management group. I told them, and they said it was A. T. & T.'s responsibility. A. T. & T. set up for another technician to come out, but when he found out that it was inside cabling (they call it "riser Wires") they made some excuse and cancelled. Then, Verizon got involved and checked the line out and disconnected me for a week. This has been going on for 4 months and no one will take responsibility for my wiring, my happiness or my peace of mind. Is it true that the phone company actually controls the country and all things bright and beautiful?

Internetless in Indianapolis, IN

Dear Internetless:

Tell Mother Chatsworth about it. The phone company really does have some secret corner of the earth, deep in an evil cave, where all the service agents of hell have been corraled to torture the descent and the kind. Riser-cables is a code word for "shaft this customer because we can't fix it without disturbing the neighbors." Most apartments do not have such wires, and your problems are most likely from a neighbor's new super air purifier or super-duper dildo. The phone company finds it hard to deal with such things, so they spin you and everyone around in circles. Unfortunately, because they are more powerful than the Lord in His Temple, your only recourse is two tin cans and a string. Of course, in this day and age of cell phones, you can omit the string. Sorry I could not be more helpful - but my own experiences ended with me running across the interstate in a bathrobe daring the trucks to end my madness. A. T & T. stands for American Torturers and Tapdancers. Sorry, wrong number.