Calling Judge Judy! Call Judge Judy!

Dear Miss Chatty:

My son lives with us at home after having spent four years at a prestigious college getting a degree in Psychology. Instead of persuing his career, he moved back in with us and announced that he needed to "find himself" for a few years before would launch out on a career. We acquiesced at first, thinking he would be a joy to have back; and it would not last more than a few months, but he's become quite a high liver now - women, drink, drugs, parties, loud music and the whole enchelada. We've asked for rent. He says "You must bear up, because you gave birth to me." We ask for some cooperation, and he tells us that he is "cooperating, by making his bed in the morning and giving us practice at cooking for him three meals a day." I'm at my wits end. How do we dump the boy and still call him "son?"

Ready for Cyanide in Mission Calhoun, Tx

Dear Cyanide:

Psychology degree, you say? Uh-hu! Looks like he learned quite a bit in that university of his. He should have gone to Juliiard ,because he's playing you folks like a fine Cello. Don't bend to his Yo Yo Ma. Tell him, not only must he do his share around the house and pay rent, he needs to abide by the house rules. I hope the house rules do not include sharing the women, alcohol and drugs. Nonetheless, he will most likely bolt from the premises. If however he barracades himself in, you must take legal action and pry him loose. The worse he can do is take you before Judge Judy - and she'd take a chunk out of his ass. As for calling him son; it's just a noun. Get over it.

Wear the Horcrux, Dear

Dear Miss Chatty:

OMG, Miss Chatty, am I glad to be e-mailing you!! I have three parties coming up for the Holidays (4 if you count in New Years Eve)!! My question: WHAT TO WEAR??? Now I understand you are a pro when it comes to style . . . please enlighten me. Do I wear jeans, dress pants, skirt or mini skirt with knee hi boots!! And what color is IN for the Holidays!!

Baggens of the Mid-American Realm

Dear Baggens:

The first rule of thumb is to get the guest list for these various parties to assure that there's no cross-over traffic. Heavens to Betsy if you were to wear whatever you choose TWICE before the same traffic. For the three Christmas parties, jeans will NOT do, but dress pants, especially if they have a bit of silver glitter through them, will be just the ticket, with a bright red blouse and a gold pendant (and a sprig of holly in your hair). Be sure hubby doesn't wear a Hawaiin shirt, but a plain white top and grey slacks—a nice tan or tweed sweater would be just nice. He musn't outshine you, you know, unless the party is one of those Elijah Wood key parties. Of course, if you opt for a skirt, make it jolly and not poodle. Pleated is fine with a nice tartan, and those hi boots (if black) will be just fine, only take care with the heel. You don't want to be Santa's little domanatrix.

New Year is a different matter. Jeans (and I mean a good pair of 501's) is perfect, with a Claiborne ski sweater and a onyx pendant on a gold necklace, or dangle about the neck whatever he gave you for Christmas . And if he didn't get you some Christmas bling, wear one of Harry Potter's horcuxes that will give him the evil eye peridiocally .

Holiday colors: Why that rarely changes. Just think of the Italian flag, my dear and your IN. Red, White and Green. We all know that Father Christmas was really Chef Boy-yar-dee. Now, I've confused you. I said to wear black and silver, and yet I insist you wear Christmas colors. Well, easily solved. An extra sprig of holly and a pair of white gloves should do the trick. Send me pictures of the final couture and I'll show America just how the stylish mid-Westerner presents herself at the Christmas ball. Much love and do write again. We all know that Miss Chatty is full of it.

'Tis the Season to Add Color (Colour, if you're a Brit)

Dear Miss Chatty:

For the life of me I didn't know how to contact you with this burning question. There's been a raging debate over our holiday decorations. Where do you stand on the debate between which Christmas lights are better: white or colored.

Lily, B'more, MD

Dear Lily of B'more:

White is the symbol of purity—of snow and whales (just read the 10,000 words Herman Melville spills in one chapter of Moby Dick on the color white.) It is also (in China) the stuff of sorrow and funerals. I, however, am a classy decorator, and one cannot have too much red in the room. Just ask my good friend Simon DeFleurry, who has mastered the art of adding red to any situation. So, if you want to limit your holiday spirits to purity (how boring), White Whales (I'd rather have a White Elephant - I hear they're on sale), or a Chinese boo-hoo party, fling those red, green, gold, puce, turquoise and shimmering purple bulbs across your Tannenbaum this year. After all, the Christmas tree is a pagan symbol anyway. It was the Druids that "knocked on wood" and cut the mistletoe (which means dung on a stick, BTW - aren't you glad you didn't ask?) And don't let me catch you using those tiny, environmentally happy bulbs either, or Miss Chatty will drop coal in your stockings and set fire to your egg nog.

BTW: It's easy to get your question to me. Anyone who does, just send an email to edwpat@att.net and my secretary will forward me your queery. (Did I spell that right)?

The Great Cream Cheese Challenge!!

Dear Miss Chatty:

I love cream cheese and bagels; in fact, I love any kind of cream cheese variation - with onion, fruit, jam, butter and even peanut butter. I would use Cream Cheese in place of whip cream or even cottage cheese in most recipes. I even have made a Cream Cheese Lasagna. Pea Soup - dabble a little Cream Cheese in it, and it becomes Green Divinity Puree. Now, I challenge you to tell me of a cheese that's creamier and more useful than this - and don't tell me Ricotta, that gritty, salty buffalo's muck they use to ruin so many great dishes.

Cream Cheese Nutty in Val Du Blachez, WI

Dear Nutty:

I greet your challege with the full bodied sentiment of a drag-queen on fire. Not only is Cream Cheese dull compared with my contender, but it wouldn't hold up on a Lender's bagel. My dear, if you have never tried Marscapone, you do not deserve to call yourself a gormand, yet alone a Cheese lover. Marscapone is so creamy and light, it makes any dish a veritable Louis Quatorze treat. Mix it with sugar and strawberries, and a little liquor, and you have the finest desert known to womynkind. So the next time you challenge Miss Chatty to a dairy duel, be prepared with something more substantial than Cream Cheese - puleeze!

A. T. & T.: America's Evil Empire

Dear Miss Chatty:

I recently had some problems with my telephone and internet connection. I use, can I say it, A. T. & T. They made an appointment to check my line and said that the problem was inside my apartment. They made another appointment for an "inside" technician to come in and check the wires. He said, the problem wires belonged to the apaartment management group. I told them, and they said it was A. T. & T.'s responsibility. A. T. & T. set up for another technician to come out, but when he found out that it was inside cabling (they call it "riser Wires") they made some excuse and cancelled. Then, Verizon got involved and checked the line out and disconnected me for a week. This has been going on for 4 months and no one will take responsibility for my wiring, my happiness or my peace of mind. Is it true that the phone company actually controls the country and all things bright and beautiful?

Internetless in Indianapolis, IN

Dear Internetless:

Tell Mother Chatsworth about it. The phone company really does have some secret corner of the earth, deep in an evil cave, where all the service agents of hell have been corraled to torture the descent and the kind. Riser-cables is a code word for "shaft this customer because we can't fix it without disturbing the neighbors." Most apartments do not have such wires, and your problems are most likely from a neighbor's new super air purifier or super-duper dildo. The phone company finds it hard to deal with such things, so they spin you and everyone around in circles. Unfortunately, because they are more powerful than the Lord in His Temple, your only recourse is two tin cans and a string. Of course, in this day and age of cell phones, you can omit the string. Sorry I could not be more helpful - but my own experiences ended with me running across the interstate in a bathrobe daring the trucks to end my madness. A. T & T. stands for American Torturers and Tapdancers. Sorry, wrong number.

Silk Flowers Bouy the Winter Spirit

Dear Miss Chatty:

A close acquaintance took me to task for having artifical bouquets in my house. He says that it's cheating nature. I should have great bursts of poppies and roses, daffodils in season and a sprinkle of fern in every corner. I say, I love flowers in bloom around the clock all the year. Don't get me wrong—I do have plants and buy fresh flowers on occassion, but I'm too busy . . . to smell the roses. Is there any crime in this, I ask you?

Blooming Annoyed in St. Meinrad, IN

Dear Blooming:

Not only is it acceptable to display artificial flower arrangements, it is essential to have your corners filled to take the boxy edges from any room. Some of these arrangement, I know, are damned expensive running into the thousands—at least mine are. One proviso, however. I had an aunt who lived in Atlantic City before the big casino rage. She planted plastic flowers in her flower boxes. They looked hideous, and smacked of Boardwalk cheap. They were black with dirt and sometimes fell over, not in a floral sort of way. Silk flowers are wonderful and dusting is easy. As to your critical friend, tell him to plant a tulip up his deriere and water it enemalistically twice daily.

Penmenship Counts When Spray Painting Grafitti

Dear Miss Chatty:

My boyfriend has complained about my penmenship, stating that he can't read a word of what I write. He constantly makes fun of my handwriting to friends and relatives, calling it "doctor's scribble without the degree." Now when the time comes to sign the marraige license, will he contest the document if my signature is illegible?

Chicken Scratcher in Tupelo, MS

Dear Scratcher:

Marraige license? What in hay seed heaven are you thinking of? Any man who belittles a supposed loved one in public deserves total isolation. If I were you, I'd stick to a word processor. They are legible and come with spell check, BUT as for your boyfriend, I'd learn to print in big square letters with a can of spray paint on a back alley wall. Begin with a giant capital "F", followed by a . . . well you can figure out the rest. As for the marraige license, if you sign it, do it in invisible ink, because you'll be invisible to him not long after the ceremony.

Curried Whatever - from Pan to Guest in 20 Minutes

Dear Miss Chatty:

I have a simple question for you, oh great purveyor of things chaste and pure. When making a curry, what steps do you follow? The ladies in my cooking club have argued over this incessantly. I told them I'd write to you to settle it.

I am Curious Saffron in Ann Arbor, MI

Dear Saffy:

There's no ifs, ands or buts about curry. The long of the short of it is as simple as stir fry.

MMVBC - Meat, Mushrooms, Vegetables, Broth and Curry.

Take a large skillet and heat up about a tblsp of extra Virgin Olive Oil and butter. Toss in some garlic, onion fakes and maybe some Emeril snap up spice before you actually cook the meat. Chop up either beef, chicken or pork into cubes or strips. Coat with flour or braising powder. Toss it in, browning whatever meat you want. (You could try fish or shrimp, but I'd cook them first. Fish becomes a bit messy with this recipe). Dump in one can of drained mushroom slices and cook them in. Then a can of carrots, a can of peas and optionally a can of corn. Use the little cans dear unless you expect the Prussian army. Once this is going good and hot (sizzling), add a cup of beef or chicken stock (Use Swanson from the box). Bring to a boil - then curry. Use the old fashion Japanese curry cubes. 1/4 of the box sliced up is good. Mix it into the boiling brew until the juices are thick and rich. The curry comes in 3 flavors - mild, medium and hot (and hot is hot). I also help things along with a touch of Thai peanut sauce and a tablespoon of Indian curry sauce. A handful of Planters peanuts are a nice touch. Serve over rice or noodles (avoid the Oriental straw noodles - they make a real mess). The whole thing takes about 20 minutes from 1st tbsp of oil to curry cube.

Hope that helps.

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? The Gay Black Pharmacist!

Dear Miss Chatty:

I brought my boyfiend home to meet mom and dad last week and it was a very interesting experience. I'm a white homosexual laddie with fairly good taste in men. My boyfriend is an African American and, not only a good looker, but well employed. (He's a Pharmacist). Now, my parents have always been cool with my sexuality and have endured a whole bevy of beautiful men brought home for supper. With Gus, they were something else however. They were cold, inhospitable and condescending. I am sure it was a racist thing, but I want to confront my parents and find out for sure. Gus acquiesced in this treatment, but I find it intolerable. What should I do?

In love with whatever color, in Richmond, VA

Dear ILWWC:

Gus has become quite accustomed to prejudice, but no one ever really does. He is blessed with diversity, being both gay and a person of color, but with diversity comes a heavy burden. He has to endure the gutter tripe, who need to feel superior at the expense of others. Now, I am sure your parents are pseudo-nice—that is, nice when it agrees exactly with their way of thinking. But don't even think they accept your homosexuality, because if they did, they wouldn't be so judgmental in other departments—like race. What to do? You can't educate them at this point in their lives, but you can tell them like it is. Sit them down. Tell them that you love Gus and you don't care what his race is or their opinion of it. They would reacte the same way if you had brought home a black woman.

Parents plan for us the day we're born. I'm sure they didn't think their son would be coupled with a gay black pharmacist. In any event, make certain that Gus' feelings are covered. Be sure he's clear where you stand, because, eventhough you differ from your parents, it is never apparent to an outsider where racism lurks. It's more important he knows you are an open dear; that color is a non-issue here. Now if he wears white after Labor Day, that's another issue!

The Picture of Mary in Gray: the Diet Choke!

Dear Miss Chatty:

I'm a nautrally gifted artist who can draw almost anything at anytime. I do this spontaneously, always having paper and pencil at hand. The other day, in the park, I found myself drawing a classy woman who sat on a bench opposite to where I sat. I had a sketch pad with me, so it was obvious to anyone that I was drawing. She was drinking a Diet Coke and posed and winked and obviously was enjoying the experience. When I finished, I held it up to show her. She smiled, and walked over to me, then dumped the can of coke on me and it, walking away telling me to "take a photo next time." I was completely flabbergasted at such behavior. Did I do anything wrong?

Sundaed in the Park, New York, NY

Dear Sun:

Well, no and yes. It is always polite to ask before you commit someone's likeness to any media. Gifted artist or not, some people are offended if their likeness is captured for all to see or anyone to have without permission. Think of your likeness as your soul, the embodiment of your immortal remnants. I am sure that if you let her acknowledge your act, the second part of the story may never had happened. However, her actions were down right barbaric. If she had an objection, she should have waved her hands and said "stop" or chided you after the fact with a firm, but civilized "next time ask me." However, she chose to assault you - yes assault - and destroy your handiwork by defacing her own likeness. If I were you, I'd preserve the drawing - coke stain and all - frame it and hang it on a tree in the park. Label it "Diet Bitch!" because, if nothing else it truly depicts the reality of her soul, may she get a twist in her panties and chaff!

Unlucky on Vacation doesn't mean Lucky in love

Dear Miss Chatty:

Having found the most perfect vacation spot, I offered to take my friend Charles there on a holiday. It was in a place called Cabo San Lucas in Mexico. Everything was pefect, but he complained of the heat, the sand, the sun, the water, the food and the locals. The latter annoyed me to no end, as I am firm believer in human rights - so when he refered to them as the MexiPeons, I was mortified. All this quite ruined my time. Now, Charles has told everyone that we are a couple - as we vacationed together - and that he had a perfect time - which I know he did not. How do I handle this?

Sunburnt in Fargo

Dear Sunburnt:

I wish all my readers sent me problems this easy to resolve. As a so-called couple ,you can take liberties with him in public that I am sure will mortify him - so do it. Mortify him. Invite him to a party where most of the guests are people of color. Introduce him to several relatives who you find obnoxious. Every time he has something scheduled, schedule something else - something you know he doesn't like. Then after two weeks of that, go home - sit by the phone and wait for him to NOT call. Problem solved. Except, you should find a way to reward him for ruining your vacation. My bet is you have lousy photographs of him having a terrible time in Mexico. Post them on an internet page with funny quips and get it linked out to your mutual friends. Use PhotoShop to make them more ludicruos. Make sure he gets the link - and I think he'll get the hint.

The New American Dream: Belorussia!

Dear Miss Chatty:

When I was a lad, I worked hard for my extra money. I ran errands, I delivered perscriptions for the local pharmacy, I shovelled snow in winter, raked leaves in fall and dug ditches in Summer. I never had an allowance, nor did I expect one. I started working full time one week after high school graduation, and, except for a short two year military break, have worked for the last 40 years non-stop. Now, I do feel sorry for the younger generation and the employment situation; however, am I crazy? Do they think they are owed a living? My nieces and nephews think this is Belorussia or somewhere. They expect work and/or an allowance ready for them regardlesss of effort or choice. They call me old-fashioned and tell me times have changed. Should I hang it all up?

Atticus Finch in Hooverville, OH

Dear Atticus:

They are right - times are changing. BUT, not for the better. You are right. They do expect a hand out. It isn't Belorussia (there you'd wait a long time for a hand out). But, the system tells them that it is their right to GET money. TV shows them how to spend it. You had no TV to drive you to the bling-bling or the Internet Malls. Your work ethic was instilled by the previous generation, you know - the Greatest. Don't hang it up; and don't be smug yet. Who knows, maybe the chillin' know sumpthin' we all missed, like all them money trees planted in Eden Valley or those red Cadillac bushes mustered to keep them all in designer drugs. Who knows? Maybe the next generation will get to the ultimate goal. A life in the marsh lands of Belorussia!