Calling Judge Judy! Call Judge Judy!

Dear Miss Chatty:

My son lives with us at home after having spent four years at a prestigious college getting a degree in Psychology. Instead of persuing his career, he moved back in with us and announced that he needed to "find himself" for a few years before would launch out on a career. We acquiesced at first, thinking he would be a joy to have back; and it would not last more than a few months, but he's become quite a high liver now - women, drink, drugs, parties, loud music and the whole enchelada. We've asked for rent. He says "You must bear up, because you gave birth to me." We ask for some cooperation, and he tells us that he is "cooperating, by making his bed in the morning and giving us practice at cooking for him three meals a day." I'm at my wits end. How do we dump the boy and still call him "son?"

Ready for Cyanide in Mission Calhoun, Tx

Dear Cyanide:

Psychology degree, you say? Uh-hu! Looks like he learned quite a bit in that university of his. He should have gone to Juliiard ,because he's playing you folks like a fine Cello. Don't bend to his Yo Yo Ma. Tell him, not only must he do his share around the house and pay rent, he needs to abide by the house rules. I hope the house rules do not include sharing the women, alcohol and drugs. Nonetheless, he will most likely bolt from the premises. If however he barracades himself in, you must take legal action and pry him loose. The worse he can do is take you before Judge Judy - and she'd take a chunk out of his ass. As for calling him son; it's just a noun. Get over it.

Wear the Horcrux, Dear

Dear Miss Chatty:

OMG, Miss Chatty, am I glad to be e-mailing you!! I have three parties coming up for the Holidays (4 if you count in New Years Eve)!! My question: WHAT TO WEAR??? Now I understand you are a pro when it comes to style . . . please enlighten me. Do I wear jeans, dress pants, skirt or mini skirt with knee hi boots!! And what color is IN for the Holidays!!

Baggens of the Mid-American Realm

Dear Baggens:

The first rule of thumb is to get the guest list for these various parties to assure that there's no cross-over traffic. Heavens to Betsy if you were to wear whatever you choose TWICE before the same traffic. For the three Christmas parties, jeans will NOT do, but dress pants, especially if they have a bit of silver glitter through them, will be just the ticket, with a bright red blouse and a gold pendant (and a sprig of holly in your hair). Be sure hubby doesn't wear a Hawaiin shirt, but a plain white top and grey slacks—a nice tan or tweed sweater would be just nice. He musn't outshine you, you know, unless the party is one of those Elijah Wood key parties. Of course, if you opt for a skirt, make it jolly and not poodle. Pleated is fine with a nice tartan, and those hi boots (if black) will be just fine, only take care with the heel. You don't want to be Santa's little domanatrix.

New Year is a different matter. Jeans (and I mean a good pair of 501's) is perfect, with a Claiborne ski sweater and a onyx pendant on a gold necklace, or dangle about the neck whatever he gave you for Christmas . And if he didn't get you some Christmas bling, wear one of Harry Potter's horcuxes that will give him the evil eye peridiocally .

Holiday colors: Why that rarely changes. Just think of the Italian flag, my dear and your IN. Red, White and Green. We all know that Father Christmas was really Chef Boy-yar-dee. Now, I've confused you. I said to wear black and silver, and yet I insist you wear Christmas colors. Well, easily solved. An extra sprig of holly and a pair of white gloves should do the trick. Send me pictures of the final couture and I'll show America just how the stylish mid-Westerner presents herself at the Christmas ball. Much love and do write again. We all know that Miss Chatty is full of it.

'Tis the Season to Add Color (Colour, if you're a Brit)

Dear Miss Chatty:

For the life of me I didn't know how to contact you with this burning question. There's been a raging debate over our holiday decorations. Where do you stand on the debate between which Christmas lights are better: white or colored.

Lily, B'more, MD

Dear Lily of B'more:

White is the symbol of purity—of snow and whales (just read the 10,000 words Herman Melville spills in one chapter of Moby Dick on the color white.) It is also (in China) the stuff of sorrow and funerals. I, however, am a classy decorator, and one cannot have too much red in the room. Just ask my good friend Simon DeFleurry, who has mastered the art of adding red to any situation. So, if you want to limit your holiday spirits to purity (how boring), White Whales (I'd rather have a White Elephant - I hear they're on sale), or a Chinese boo-hoo party, fling those red, green, gold, puce, turquoise and shimmering purple bulbs across your Tannenbaum this year. After all, the Christmas tree is a pagan symbol anyway. It was the Druids that "knocked on wood" and cut the mistletoe (which means dung on a stick, BTW - aren't you glad you didn't ask?) And don't let me catch you using those tiny, environmentally happy bulbs either, or Miss Chatty will drop coal in your stockings and set fire to your egg nog.

BTW: It's easy to get your question to me. Anyone who does, just send an email to edwpat@att.net and my secretary will forward me your queery. (Did I spell that right)?

The Great Cream Cheese Challenge!!

Dear Miss Chatty:

I love cream cheese and bagels; in fact, I love any kind of cream cheese variation - with onion, fruit, jam, butter and even peanut butter. I would use Cream Cheese in place of whip cream or even cottage cheese in most recipes. I even have made a Cream Cheese Lasagna. Pea Soup - dabble a little Cream Cheese in it, and it becomes Green Divinity Puree. Now, I challenge you to tell me of a cheese that's creamier and more useful than this - and don't tell me Ricotta, that gritty, salty buffalo's muck they use to ruin so many great dishes.

Cream Cheese Nutty in Val Du Blachez, WI

Dear Nutty:

I greet your challege with the full bodied sentiment of a drag-queen on fire. Not only is Cream Cheese dull compared with my contender, but it wouldn't hold up on a Lender's bagel. My dear, if you have never tried Marscapone, you do not deserve to call yourself a gormand, yet alone a Cheese lover. Marscapone is so creamy and light, it makes any dish a veritable Louis Quatorze treat. Mix it with sugar and strawberries, and a little liquor, and you have the finest desert known to womynkind. So the next time you challenge Miss Chatty to a dairy duel, be prepared with something more substantial than Cream Cheese - puleeze!

A. T. & T.: America's Evil Empire

Dear Miss Chatty:

I recently had some problems with my telephone and internet connection. I use, can I say it, A. T. & T. They made an appointment to check my line and said that the problem was inside my apartment. They made another appointment for an "inside" technician to come in and check the wires. He said, the problem wires belonged to the apaartment management group. I told them, and they said it was A. T. & T.'s responsibility. A. T. & T. set up for another technician to come out, but when he found out that it was inside cabling (they call it "riser Wires") they made some excuse and cancelled. Then, Verizon got involved and checked the line out and disconnected me for a week. This has been going on for 4 months and no one will take responsibility for my wiring, my happiness or my peace of mind. Is it true that the phone company actually controls the country and all things bright and beautiful?

Internetless in Indianapolis, IN

Dear Internetless:

Tell Mother Chatsworth about it. The phone company really does have some secret corner of the earth, deep in an evil cave, where all the service agents of hell have been corraled to torture the descent and the kind. Riser-cables is a code word for "shaft this customer because we can't fix it without disturbing the neighbors." Most apartments do not have such wires, and your problems are most likely from a neighbor's new super air purifier or super-duper dildo. The phone company finds it hard to deal with such things, so they spin you and everyone around in circles. Unfortunately, because they are more powerful than the Lord in His Temple, your only recourse is two tin cans and a string. Of course, in this day and age of cell phones, you can omit the string. Sorry I could not be more helpful - but my own experiences ended with me running across the interstate in a bathrobe daring the trucks to end my madness. A. T & T. stands for American Torturers and Tapdancers. Sorry, wrong number.

Silk Flowers Bouy the Winter Spirit

Dear Miss Chatty:

A close acquaintance took me to task for having artifical bouquets in my house. He says that it's cheating nature. I should have great bursts of poppies and roses, daffodils in season and a sprinkle of fern in every corner. I say, I love flowers in bloom around the clock all the year. Don't get me wrong—I do have plants and buy fresh flowers on occassion, but I'm too busy . . . to smell the roses. Is there any crime in this, I ask you?

Blooming Annoyed in St. Meinrad, IN

Dear Blooming:

Not only is it acceptable to display artificial flower arrangements, it is essential to have your corners filled to take the boxy edges from any room. Some of these arrangement, I know, are damned expensive running into the thousands—at least mine are. One proviso, however. I had an aunt who lived in Atlantic City before the big casino rage. She planted plastic flowers in her flower boxes. They looked hideous, and smacked of Boardwalk cheap. They were black with dirt and sometimes fell over, not in a floral sort of way. Silk flowers are wonderful and dusting is easy. As to your critical friend, tell him to plant a tulip up his deriere and water it enemalistically twice daily.

Penmenship Counts When Spray Painting Grafitti

Dear Miss Chatty:

My boyfriend has complained about my penmenship, stating that he can't read a word of what I write. He constantly makes fun of my handwriting to friends and relatives, calling it "doctor's scribble without the degree." Now when the time comes to sign the marraige license, will he contest the document if my signature is illegible?

Chicken Scratcher in Tupelo, MS

Dear Scratcher:

Marraige license? What in hay seed heaven are you thinking of? Any man who belittles a supposed loved one in public deserves total isolation. If I were you, I'd stick to a word processor. They are legible and come with spell check, BUT as for your boyfriend, I'd learn to print in big square letters with a can of spray paint on a back alley wall. Begin with a giant capital "F", followed by a . . . well you can figure out the rest. As for the marraige license, if you sign it, do it in invisible ink, because you'll be invisible to him not long after the ceremony.